Untamed

I almost didn't publish this post today.  I wrote it a few days ago - before the riots and the looting started across the country.  It didn't feel right to talk about my feelings while there is so much going on in the world right now.  For a moment, I felt like I couldn't (or shouldn't) have any negative feelings about my life because I'm a white woman living in a racist world.  Who am I to talk about my feelings? Can I really share with you this book and how it's helped me?  And then I got to the chapter titled "Racists" and it changed my mind.  So bear with me and read until the end to help understand why I changed my mind about sharing this post.

Reading and writing have always been a big part of my life.  When I was very young (2nd grade or so), I made a poster for school about what I wanted to be when I grew up.  My 2 career choices were Olympic horseback rider and writer.  Now, I haven't turned out to be either of those things, but I still enjoy reading and writing.  Since I have so much more time on my hands these days, I've been doing a lot more reading than I used to.  I'm currently reading 3 books - a nutrition book, a book I was reading pre-quarantine (my bedtime book), and Untamed.

I don't know if it's the timing, but I've never felt so connected to a book just 2 pages in.  I won't give away any spoilers, but after just a few short chapters, I was already thinking that I needed to share Untamed with my friends.  Through a series of short stories about her life, the author helps you understand what it means to be a woman, to find yourself, and to be true to who you are.  I tried to explain to my husband why this book was so significant and I have a hard time putting it into words.  I told him that the author is a former bulimic alcoholic who was trapped in a marriage with a man who cheated on her, and then got a divorce and married a woman.  That's a bit of an oversimplification, but I told him that I have nothing in common with the author, yet somehow her stories speak to me and I feel like we understand each other. 

I sometimes joke that I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up, but it's true.  Yes, I guess I am technically "grown up," but I haven't found IT yet.  I've found a lot of things - an amazing husband, a loving dog, great friends & family, etc. - but I haven't figured out what I want to be when I grow up.  

Part of the reason why I've dedicated so much time and energy to The Skinnie Foodie is because of this book.  When I started cooking, baking, and writing about it, I felt a twinge of passion and excitement I hadn't felt in a long time.  It's not easy getting started though.  It's difficult to put in the time and energy to writing and photographing a post.  When I don't get a huge response - whether it's views, likes, or follows - it makes me wonder if there's any point to it.  And this is where Untamed comes in.  The quote below is simple, but helps put things in perspective.

Glennon also has a mantra - we can do hard things.  So we can feel the feelings and know that they're hard, but that it will be okay.  My mindfulness activities have helped me realize that inner criticism and negativity are just thoughts.  We need to recognize these thoughts and feelings and realize that they are just that, and then separate ourselves from them.  We can't let our feelings dictate our reality and who we are.  We can feel the feelings and know them, but not let them get in our way.

Now let's talk about the feelings in today's world.  I have a lot of negative feelings swimming around inside me now.  It's horrific what some people are doing to our already broken society.  I'm a proponent of peaceful protests, but the rioters and looters are giving them a bad name and tainting a good thing.  I've seen a ton of people posting on social media about their thoughts regarding these issues, yet I've been silent.  I didn't have the words to say how I was feeling.  That's when I came to the chapter in Untamed titles "Racists."  It couldn't have come at a better time, so I share some quotes from this chapter that really stood out to me.

So rather than trying to publish my thoughts and say the right thing about what's going on in our world, I'm going to try to feel the right thing.  It doesn't mean that I don't care or that I'm a part of the problem, it means that I recognize that I can't begin to imagine how this situation is affecting others.  I learned from a former mentor of mine not to tell someone "I understand" or "I know how you're feeling" when they're sharing their emotions.  It's natural to want to know & understand, but the truth is that we never will.  We are not that person feeling those feelings.  We have not experienced the lifetime of experiences that make them the way they are.  So no, I don't know how people of color are feeling right now, but I can try to empathize and sympathize and try to think & feel the right things.